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We had Thanksgiving with my wife’s family this year, and somewhere in between getting my two awful children and all their shit in the car, and actually getting my wife to leave on time, I managed to overlook one crucial detail. I forgot to bring my cooler full of beer.

My wife’s family doesn’t drink, and all of their gatherings are alcohol free. This presents a bit of a problem considering they’re some of the most boring people on the planet. My wife seems to have missed the dull gene, and her slut cousin Karen is pretty cool, but aside from those two, the family is a snooze fest.

After we were there for about fifteen minutes, I already needed a break from the brain-numbing conversations, so I retreated back to the kids’ room. I kicked back on a bean-bag chair and played with some Legos while one of the Star Wars movies played on the tv.

I’ve never really paid much attention to Star Wars, but I started to get a little pissed when the kids cheered every time the rebels attacked the Empire. I finally asked, “Why do you brainwashed munchkins just assume they’re the good guys?”

Those rebels were nothing but a mix of criminals, space hippies and terrorists, and I’m supposed to root for them? The main characters are a smuggler with ties to organized crime, a deposed royal and some weird figure-skater looking dude who wants to bang his sister. Yeah, that sounds like a great group to lead a government.

The Empire put an inefficient sham of a Senate out of its misery and made the trains run on time. It brought jobs, prosperity and order to a galaxy that knew only corruption and ineptitude. And spare me your sob story about the destruction of Alderaan. That planet was the very core of the rebellion, and the easiest way to kill a snake is by cutting off its head.

The Empire was the superior government, and you little shits better recognize.

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