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People piss and moan that St. Patrick’s Day is only used as an excuse to get blitzed, and instead of destroying our brains with Guinness and Irish Car Bombs, we should focus on the real meaning of the holiday. It doesn’t happen often, but I’m at a loss on how to respond to that.

Do you want me to focus on the many Irish contributions to civilization? All those brilliant Irish scientists? Maybe that Irish guy who cured some disease or invented a product that improved the lives of the masses. The last thing the Irish invented was whiskey, and while I agree it’s awesome, it was first distilled over six centuries ago, and that’s a long time to go between discoveries.

The Irish should focus on what they do best, drinking and making hot redheads. When it comes down to it, that’s a pretty sweet legacy. The English can keep their industrial revolution, scientific discoveries, architectural advancements and participatory democracy. Would you rather spend a day listening to some dull Brit regale you with boring stories or get drunk and throw potatoes at store windows.

If you’re like me, that’s the easiest question you’ll answer all day.

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