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bigfoot It seems that Spike TV is still on the air which is amazing considering half of its time-slots are devoted to reruns of the show Cops.

In a bold move to prove that unlike our nation, its better days are still to come, the network has come up with a sure-fire ratings winner. It will put $10,000,000 on the line, and anyone who can prove Bigfoot exists will be able to take home a 10-figure check.

The show is slated to debut this January, and it will be hosted by Lois & Clark “star” Dean Cain. The premise is that teams of idiots will be sent out into the Pacific Northwest to find any evidence of the legendary creature.

In order to claim the top prize they’ll have to recover both photographic and DNA evidence which will present a bit of a problem considering there is absolutely, positively no goddamned chance on earth that Bigfoot exists.

And don’t give me the argument that gorillas were only scientifically classified 150 years ago. That was still 150 years ago, and gorillas live in Africa. I actually own a map of Africa from 1845 and in addition to large parts of it being blank; the words “Here Be Dragons” ring the coasts.

The producers of this show should give the participants a fighting chance and send them on a few hunts they could actually complete.

For example, can anyone score meth in Portland in under an hour? Is it possible to motorboat two fat chicks in Astoria without first getting their names? Can you pull down your pants, lie down next to the Space Needle and pretend it’s your dong without getting arrested?

I’ve actually done one of these myself. Try to guess which one.