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dick-cheneyAccording to a former Pentagon official with knowledge of the treasure trove of secrets held by American patriot Edward Snowden, one of the most frightening programs he has yet to disclose is of a secret U.S. government plan to kill Jesus.

The top secret mission, unofficially called “Operation Jewdo Chop,” is based on the belief that Christianity isn’t just a giant crock of shit, and Jesus really is returning to battle Satan and the Antichrist at the battle of Armageddon.

The plot is said to have been conceived by former Vice President and noted occultist, Dick Cheney. According to reports, Cheney was becoming increasingly fearful that his plans for U.S. domination of the Mid-East were going to be thwarted by other-worldly intervention.

Giving credence to the claim is a conversation between Cheney and former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon that was picked up on a hot microphone during Sharon’s 2004 visit to the White House.

The audio is slightly garbled, but it appears Cheney said, “Look, Arik, the last goddamned thing we need is for some Birkenstock-wearing hippy to glide down from heaven and ruin all our hard work. I don’t care if you have to kill every male baby in Bethlehem, just make it happen.”

At this time it’s unclear if this is still an open operation, but U.S. sponsored terrorist attacks on Syrian Christian villages have led some to speculate that one of these sites may have sheltered the Messiah, and the U.S. government won’t rest until he is eliminated.

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