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Do these binoculars make me look fat?

Do these binoculars make me look fat?

Look, North Korea, I like you. I like you a lot. Your crazy pronouncements, Stalinist police state and absolute willingness to let your people starve while you pour all your resources into building nukes is awesome. It’s just that I’m getting a little tired of your vague threats.

Last week North Korean leader Kim Jong Un told his troops to be ready for all-out war and cancelled the non-aggression pacts between his shithole of a country and South Korea. It seems he has his little panties in a bunch because of the latest round of sanctions, and he also threatened to launch a pre-emptive nuclear attack against the U.S.

Okay, Kim, you might have a chick’s name, but it’s time to prove you’re a real man. And the only way you’re going to be able to do that is to follow through on your threats. You need to step up and kick someone’s ass.

First off, you need to be realistic. Your back-assed little country is incapable of making a nuclear missile because you can’t make a small enough warhead. Plus, let’s not forget that every single one of your missiles has either exploded or fallen randomly into the sea. You’ve never hit a goddamned thing smaller than an ocean, and I doubt you could hit us.

But, you have balloon technology, right? Have you thought about inflating a bunch of party balloons and trying to float your bomb over here? By my rough calculations, you’d only need 4.5 million of them to get your nuke airborne.

You know you want to try it, you crazy bastards. Now do it.