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A new report claimed that shaking hands with healthcare workers is as dangerous as smoking, and it recommended that doctors stop shaking hands with patients as a way to combat the spread of infectious diseases like MERS.

I would even take that recommendation a step further and say there is no reason to ever shake anyone’s hand for any reason and we need to end this stupid practice once and for all.

People are disgusting, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a public bathroom and watched some dickhead walk out of a stall and straight out the door without washing his hands.

And you just know that at some point someone is going to shake hands with old shit finger and God knows what’s going to get smeared on them.

I’m married with kids and I still manage to go days without touching another human being, and that’s the way it should be.

My secret weapon is to always carry a rolled up newspaper. That way, if someone gets too close I can use it to gently push them away, and if that person is homeless, I can also give them a gentle swat on the nose before telling them to go lay down.

In summation, shaking hands is gross, people are vile, and unless you’re going to go all out and do a six-step black guy handshake, just fist bump or skip the whole stupid ritual completely.

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