If there’s one thing on God’s green earth I hate, it’s someone thrusting their shit-encrusted hand at me and expecting me to shake it.

I get it. This moronic custom started thousands of years ago as a way for primitive savages to prove to each other they didn’t have any weapons. But flash forward a few millennia, and we now have an understanding of things like bacteria and communicable diseases.

And ironically, the microbes covering your hands are probably more dangerous than a palmed dagger. And if you doubt me, feel free to ask any one of the dead Indians who used to inhabit this fair land.

Our government has spent billions on campaigns to fight disease, but peer pressure forces us all to do one thing that’s practically guaranteed to make us ill at some point. That’s why we should all agree that starting tomorrow; this moronic custom is finally going to be put to bed.

And to really drive the point home, the feds should produce a bunch of cheesy 70s style Public Service Announcements to reinforce the message.

And I don’t want them to get too complicated. Every single one should show some derelict grabbing his balls, picking his nose or scratching his ass before attempting to shake your hand. Just like in the real world.

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