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Most people know Sean Penn is an insufferable twat, but they don’t know why. They know nothing about his long battle with vaginalitis. This progressive disease literally turns its victim into a sloppy, blubbering vagina, and there is no cure.

Sean Penn was first diagnosed with this ailment in 1995, shortly after making the movie Dead Man Walking. Some people speculate that Susan Sarandon gave him the disease on the movie set. The fact that her boyfriend, Tim Robbins, also contracted the rare condition seems to confirm this.

Vaginalitis cannot be cured, but it can be treated. It requires vigilant effort by everyone around the infected person. First, you have to burst their protective bubble of conceit and liberal arrogance. They must be mocked, attacked and mocked some more. If there is still a glimmer of self awareness under all that vaginal tissue, the condition may go into remission. Otherwise, their slow descent is difficult to watch and even more painful to hear.