unnamed As a lazy drunk, I often find myself dropping food on the floor and then facing a familiar dilemma. Should I clean it up and make more food or just say fuck it and get down on all fours and eat it off the carpet puppy style.

Since self-respect and dignity are just fancy words for fancy people, I usually take the pet approach, but researchers at Rutgers University say in a new study that not only is the five second rule nonsense, but bacteria contaminates food as soon as it hits the floor.

We needed research to tell us that?

How in the hell did people think this dynamic worked? Did they assume bacteria just ran across the floor like a herd of microscopic wolves and jumped on their food, and if they could just pick it up quickly, it would be fine?

In the big picture sense, it appears Rutgers’ research teams are about as competent as their football team, because if anything, we should probably be dumping more shit on the floor and eating it. I have three kids under the age of ten, and it’s shocking how many of their friends have asthma, dermatitis, and allergies.

Thankfully, my indifferent parenting ensures the kids have a steady stream of contact with stray animals, dirt and even a pig I got for free off Craigslist before realizing the truly astounding amount of damage one single pig can do in about three days.

The problem is people have turned their homes into little clean-rooms, and not only are kids’ immune systems not being stimulated, but without outside threats, their immune systems are turning on themselves.

Five second rule aside, a little floor food won’t kill you, and it may even make you healthier in the long run.