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Christmas must be a good time to be an unemployed midget. You can always get a gig playing an elf at the mall, and for the one and only month out of the year, your midget curse becomes a blessing.

I took my kid to have her picture taken with Santa this week, and as a nod to political correctness, they had a black elf there. The other surprising thing about this little person was she had a huge rack. I tried not to stare, but it was strangely erotic. Who knew a four-foot-tall, middle-aged, black midget with big jugs would be so damn sexy.

As I stared at this woman, and undressed her little elf suit with my eyes, I got to thinking. Why would there be black elves? The North Pole is freezing, and it’s not like they need the extra melanin. That leaves only one other possibility. As a magical being, Santa isn’t human. These elfs must all be the demented offspring of Santa’s many affairs with human mothers.

Have you ever heard that old song, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? What you didn’t know was there was a second part where he bent her over the table and gave her a good banging.

Now you know. All elves, and quite possibly midgets, have moms who had sex with Santa.