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There are over one million lawyers in our country, and these bloodsucking parasites have helped create our overly litigious society. You can sue anybody for anything, and there’s no real penalty if you lose. There’s such a glut of lawyers, they’ll even take cases where you don’t pay anything unless you win.

Because of this, all products need as many pointless safety features and warning labels crammed into them as possible to help give the manufacturer some protection when they’re inevitably sued. That point was driven home today as I was trying to clean out my car after one of my awful kids puked in it.

I thought I would pop in a CD to brighten my spirits as I picked little bits of what appeared to be Twizzlers and beef jerky from every nook of my center console, but the whole time I did it, the car beeped at me because I had a door open.

The puke also magically got in the seatbelt buckle, and when I drove to the store to get more cleaning supplies, it beeped the whole damn time because it couldn’t sense it was buckled. I eventually got angry enough that I cut the wire to the belt, but that just caused an airbag warning light to come on.

I came within an inch of putting a bullet into the dash, but I was afraid that would just cause yet another light or buzzer.

There’s a 73 Cadillac Eldorado convertible for sale on my street, and my wife doesn’t know it yet, but it may be in our driveway soon. It has no safety lights or buzzers of any kind, the lack of a hard top all but guarantees you die if you flip it, and the brakes are totally inadequate for a car that weighs over two-and-a-half tons. I think it may be my dream car.