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Over 25% of women have an STD, and unlike your mom, those rates aren’t going down anytime soon. If you want to avoid a possibly debilitating infection, you need to follow these safe-sex tips from Dr. Mike Codajoy.

Consider having sex with a woman that no one has ever even thought about screwing before. She could be morbidly obese, deformed or possibly just disgusting. You can either double-bag her or just close your eyes and pretend she’s someone else. Either way, no one ever got an STD from a virgin.

Don’t limit yourself just to humans. As a general rule, sexually transmitted diseases are species-specific, and they’re not transmitted through sexual contact between a human and animal. If there’s a local petting zoo, or maybe just a sheep rancher who wants to make some extra cash, you should keep your options open.

If you’re considering necrophilia, don’t. You can still get an infection from a dead body.

Maybe you should just consider going solo. Sex can lead to pregnancies, and pregnancies can lead to children. As a father of two, I can promise you that a day doesn’t go by where I don’t consider fleeing to Mexico and starting a new life as Senor Miguel Codajoy.