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Leonid Ksanfomaliti, an astronomer at the Space Research Institute of Russia’s Academy of Sciences, analyzed old photos from a 1983 Soviet probe and he came to a pretty surprising conclusion. There’s life on the planet Venus.

In his article, published in Solar System Research magazine, Ksanfomaliti claims to have spotted images on Venus’ surface that looked like a “disk” and a “scorpion.” Ksanfomaliti says the objects fluctuate and disappear and appear to be moving.

It’s hard to imagine any life existing on the surface of Venus because the temperature is 860 degrees Fahrenheit. That is roughly the same temperature at which the zinc core of pennies melts. In case you’re wondering how I know this, my wife has a degree in chemistry, and about six months ago she was working on a Saturday, and I went in to see her. While she was distracted doing stuff, I used her expensive equipment to melt shit.

If there really is any life on Venus, I also know it’s not made out of a Croft and Barrow blue cotton polo shirt. Those spontaneously catch fire at 765 degrees Fahrenheit. That, too, was proven in a lab experiment at my wife’s work.

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