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It’s tough to get elected president. It’s no longer enough to be yourself; you now have to be all things to all people. You have to be supportive of women’s rights, pretend to care about the poor, and you even have to accept if not love guns. That’s a pretty tall order, but that’s what we expect.

Romney just addressed the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association, and he’s back-tracking from his past anti-gun stance and remaking himself as an avid outdoorsman. He now wants you to believe that even though he may be immaculately coiffed and wear thousand-dollar suits, when he isn’t chilling in his mansion, he’s out there skinning a buck and running a trot line because a country boy can survive.

Look, Romney, I’m just going to call bullshit here so we can move on. The only thing you want to hunt is money, and that’s fine. You don’t have to put on a flannel shirt or choke down a gulp of Budweiser to pretend like you’re just a regular guy. You’re not. You’re a fabulously wealthy banker and investor, and that’s exactly what we need to get our economic house in order.

Next time you get tempted to regale us all with some tale about your exploits in the woods, take a deep breath and stop your stupid-assed story before it starts. Then simply say this. “I support the Second Amendment and won’t do anything to infringe on gun owner’s rights.” That’s all we want to hear.

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