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I first published this article on www.technorati.com

Rick Santorum, seen here describing the size of his penis, issued a statement in which he says America “is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography.” He goes on to blame porn for everything from violence against women to prostitution. He doesn’t cite any statistics, facts, or any of that other nonsense, but instead relies on well-worn clichés that could just as easily be applied to alcohol or anything else that’s awesome.

If elected president, Santorum pledges to appoint an Attorney General who will vigorously enforce our country’s federal obscenity laws. That seems reasonable. Instead of focusing on things like the economy, our crumbling infrastructure, or a rising China, this prick is going to dedicate all the resources he can muster to harass some guy beating off to a picture on his computer. Guess what, Rick? I am that guy, and I vote.

Much like nicotine and alcohol, pornography is one of those special things that make life worth living. After a hard day, there’s nothing more satisfying than cracking open an ice cold Miller Lite, smoking a cigar and then looking at 30-second videos of women ride strange men while making fake moaning noises. It’s exactly what God intended.

I’m deeply distrustful of these guys on the right and left who want to tell me how to live my life, but there’s a small part of me that would like to see him try this. I’ve never once felt the need to protest, but I would freely join my fellow pervs in a million man march to save my beloved porno.

I think this is one issue that could unite all races, and I could only imagine a radiant Larry Flynt delivering an “I Have a Wet Dream” speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. God Damn it would be beautiful.

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