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They’re also a huge pain in my ass. Whenever I check out a grocery line, if I see a woman or an effeminate man with them, I know to pick another register. The people who use them always seem to have too few bags, and it takes three times longer for them to get their crap stacked and packed than if they just used the damned plastic ones the store gives out for free.

The users of reusable bags also seem to have an innate need to direct every part of the bagging process because without their keen input, the whole green train could just fly off the rails.

A new study in The Journal of Infectious Diseases also highlights how dangerous these bags can be. A recent outbreak of norovirus that sickened a soccer team was traced back to one of them. It seems one of the soccer moms put cookies in a bag contaminated with the virus, and that contact was enough to sicken anyone who ate the cookies.

Another study by Loma Linda University and University of Arizona found bacteria in nearly every bag they sampled, and one in ten were contaminated with E. coli. Basically, if you have a reusable shopping bag it’s just as diseased as your average prostitute and only slightly less contaminated than your average stripper. If you don’t feel comfortable eating your meals off of one of them, you should probably ditch the reusable bags, too.

According to the experts, contamination in reusable bags can be effectively removed if they are washed after every use, but fewer than three percent of consumers actually do that. And when you factor in the environmental costs of washing, you find the planet would have been better off if you had just used the goddamned plastic bags in the first place, you silly hippie.

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