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A recent report by the Australian Centre for Evidence Based Aged Care argued that nursing home residents need to be given the opportunity to engage in consensual sex. It went on to state that many homes treat residents like children and refuse to recognize this basic human need.

After reading these findings, my first thought was, gross. My second was did they really need to add the word consensual before sex? I would hope that’s a given.

The researchers determined that the “lack of attention paid by aged care facilities to residents’ sexual needs is concerning” and that sex should be an accepted part of all stages of adult life. They also recommended that individuals with early stages of dementia should be allowed to get their freak on, and not allowing them to express their sexual needs stifles their autonomy and personhood.

Some have balked at that, but I for one understand that there’s nothing quite as sexy as a half-nude woman stumbling aimlessly around a room and asking me my name six times. It’s also reassuring to know that you can get as dirty as you’d like because it’s not like she’s going to remember any of it.

Like most people I agree that old people are gross should be treated with dignity and respect, but how exactly should geriatric facilities implement these recommendations? Should they reserve one night a week as date night? Maybe pump a little Frank Sinatra over the intercom, give all the men a double-shot of Viagra and let the hips fall where they may.

The only problem I see is that over 70% of nursing home residents are women, so there aren’t enough men to go around. They may have to place a few Craigslist “casual encounters” ads for geezer pleasers to help round out the numbers.