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I’ve read the Bible a few times, and it’s surprising how obsessed Christians have become with repressing sexual desire considering how little the Bible has to say about it. In fact, unless you’re into torture porn, there is virtually nothing erotic in the New Testament.

I may be a shitty Christian, but I’m still a Christian, and I don’t get why fellow members of the faith spend so much time obsessing about sex. In their minds lust is a sin. Fornication is a sin. Dressing a pillow up like a sheep and getting caught by your wife while trying to hump it is a sin. Pretty much everything is forbidden.

If anything, Jesus was a little hippie walking around in his sandals demanding we help the poor and treat others as we would want to be treated. He liked to drink, he hung around with whores, and he preached a message of peace and love. I understand why people ignore this because helping other people sucks, but that’s pretty much the core message of the book.

I also get why people focus on the belief side of their faith because simply believing in something is easy. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to be born again and to say you’ve accepted Jesus in your heart so you can now go to heaven. Unfortunately, nothing is that easy, so why would salvation be any different.

Christ’s message wasn’t a call to faith or arms. It was a call to duty. If you want to be a good Christian, you have taken on an obligation to help your fellow man. Instead of waiting for God’s kingdom on earth, your mission should be to build that kingdom through hard work, charity and good deeds.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to do any of that because I’m a selfish asshole with virtually no redeeming qualities. Helping people actually causes a shooting pain just above my appendix, and if it wasn’t for cops, I would run homeless people over with my car for sport. I would look for another faith, but I’m so goddamned lazy, I think I’ll just stick to being bad at this one.

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