PutinMacho Look at me over there America as I make my way shirtless through the brush hunting Uzbeks. Can you imagine one of your effeminate presidents doing that? Of course not.

You haven’t elected a real man since Bill Clinton, and you nearly impeached him for having sex with one measly fat chick.

I have had sex with hundreds of fat chicks, but the news media here has not said one word about it. They’re afraid to. I was a former KGB colonel, and with a snap of my fingers I could send them to some horrible far-away place like Siberia or Portland, Oregon.

Your problem is that you’ve become a nation of women, and much like women you always pick the wrong man. Your last president was slightly retarded, and this one is so gullible I feel like I should pay his cab fare after screwing him.

The truth is I don’t even care about Syria. I only pitched that silly plan for them to hand over their chemical weapons so I could sell them more chemical weapons.

And if you thought things were bad before, you just wait. The Bilderberg Group has decided Hillary Clinton is going to be your next leader, and when she’s done screwing things up, you’ll be lucky if you’re not a new province of Mexico.

You just keep me in mind, America. In 2020 I’ll be done here in Russia, and I can fix your problems, too. You’ll no longer have to worry your pretty little head about all these complex issues because your uncle Vladimir will take care of everything. And once you vote for me, you’ll never have to vote again.