I don’t use public bathrooms to do anything other than take a leak, and since God in his almighty wisdom didn’t make me a woman, I never have to touch a public toilet. The only exception was a few years ago in Mexico when I ate some food from a push cart, and for a few hours I honestly thought I had Ebola. Seriously, if you’ve never shit so hard you got a nosebleed, count yourself lucky.

One of my pet peeves with public bathrooms is touching the door after I wash my hands. All doors should open out so I can push them open with my foot. That way, after my hands are clean I don’t have to touch a door handle that probably has some bodily fluid smeared on it. If you have a door that opens in, or a sink that isn’t automatic, then provide paper towels. I would prefer to use them to turn off the faucet and open the door.

And don’t even get me started on glory hole etiquette. . .