diaper After Donald Trump is elected President, Michael Moore will throw a hissy fit so violent and intense that his fat cells will start a spontaneous nuclear reaction that will consume his body in an instant. Scientists will analyze what happened, discover cold fusion within a year and usher in an era of free energy and unprecedented prosperity.

A craze will sweep American colleges to see how many cocktail onions participants can stuff up their asses. The world record will be set by Mike McGuinn with a staggering 342 ass onions.

A McDonald’s franchise in Peoria, IL will sell the first Filet-O-fish sandwich in the restaurant chain’s 60-year history settling a bar bet made in 1955 between Ray Kroc and L. Ron Hubbard that no human being would ever pay to eat a giant microwaved fish stick on a bun.

Richard Simmons’ nude lifeless body will be found floating in the ball pit of a Fredericksburg, VA Funland.

After being dropped as Snuggle fabric softener’s mascot, a down-on-his-luck Snuggle Bear will be forced to do public appearances at laundromat and grocery store openings to support his worsening meth habit. Finally unable to cope any longer, he will maul a group of fans before the brown bear will be shot dead by two white police officers.

Koala piss will become the next hot beauty product for smooth and youthful skin.

A race of super intelligent ants will emerge from the earth in Southern France and rout the French army before finally being driven back underground by a combined force of Germans and Spaniards.