Back in 2006 South African scientists on Marion Island first witnessed an Antarctic fur seal raping a King penguin, and according to a recent report, the attacks have escalated.

Wildlife researchers documented four new occurrences of seal on penguin sexual assault, and in three of the attacks the penguins were released, but in the other the seal ate the penguin after screwing it to death.

Most people melt when they look into seals’ little puppy-dog eyes, but their Jedi mind tricks don’t work on me. I see those eyes for what they really are – dark portals boring straight into the abyss of hell.

And what were the wildlife scientists doing while all of this was going on? According to their reports the average attack lasted over five minutes, and the seals would often take a short break and re-rape the penguins as they tried to escape.

That’s plenty of time to walk back to their tents, grab a shovel or stick and start clubbing the living shit out of some seals.

I’m not sure why wildlife scientists and documentary makers have convinced themselves they need to be impartial observers who take only pictures and leave only footprints. The great thing about being at the top of the food chain is you can do whatever the hell you want.

I’d like to see at least one nature documentary where the cameraman helps the little guy and lays down some justice.

If any of you Hollywood-types like that idea send me and some equipment to Marion Island, and I promise you that at the first occurrence of penguin rape I will use the camera’s tripod to beat that seal until there’s nothing left but fur and some little bits of blubber.