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Nancy Pelosi, seen here celebrating her 1,600th birthday, told CNN that Newt Gingrich will never become president because she knows a secret about him. She hints that it’s a secret so terrible that if she releases it, his presidential aspirations will be over in a second.

Wow, what a coincidence. I have a secret, too. Nancy Pelosi is a stupid bitch. And shhhh, don’t tell anybody.

What secret can you possibly have about the guy? We all know he’s a fat, immoral scumbag who would sell his mother to Al Qaeda for some cheese fries. This is the same man who had 84 ethics complaints lodged against him when he was Speaker of The House and who has a track record of changing his stance on issues after receiving contributions and lobbying money. He’s a corrupt thief, an influence peddler, and though I’ve never seen it, I have to assume a kicker of puppies and small children.

Look, Pelosi, if you know something, than out with it. You haven’t been five years old in over a millennium, so enough with these childish games. I personally think you’re as clueless in this instance as you’ve been throughout your career on everything else, but let’s see. Simply by law of averages, you’re bound to be right about something every century or so.