15 God, oh God, why did you have to have your illegitimate, hippy Jew son murdered? Now we’ve turned the anniversary of his birth into such a goddamned ordeal I can barely stand it.

For one, you should never have to buy a woman a gift unless you’re trying to get in her pants, and for the life of me I don’t get why I’m supposed to buy presents for everyone from family to casual acquaintances.

I’ll go along with the Santa nonsense for the kids, and I have no problem dropping cash on shittily-made Chinese toys, but the adults can go fuck themselves, and this year I’m not giving you what you want. I’m only giving you what you need.

My closet gay cousin is getting knee pads, my wife’s midget friend is getting a really, really tall hat, and my mother-in-law is getting a match.com subscription so she can hopefully find a man and stay away from my house for a few days a week.

Casual rants aside, I guess things aren’t all bad, and the hustle and bustle of the holidays presents unique opportunities to spread some holiday cheer.

When you get one of the first spaces in a crowded parking lot, treat yourself by playing the back-up game with the first person waiting for your spot. Basically you just start backing out, pull back in your space and then repeat.

Try to see how many times you can do it before the person freaks out, gives you the finger and speeds away.

An old Asian woman in the Costco parking lot once waited while I did it nine times before I just gave up and left. Then again, maybe she considered that normal and just thought I was having trouble backing out.

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