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The Obama administration unveiled a new plan today to make the White House completely green in his next term. The 55,000 square foot structure is going to be fully heated and cooled with eco-friendly methods and all electrical needs are going to be met in a way that considers Mother Nature a partner, and not some broad to be drugged, abused and dumped on the side of the highway.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney says the existing cooling system will be maintained, but instead of using electricity from coal fired power plants, the new plant will burn nothing but Christian Bibles, Boy Scout manuals and copies of Rush Limbaugh’s latest book.

Heat will no longer be provided from steam boilers but instead will be provided exclusively by NPR. The broadcast center will be relocated across the District to the White House lawn, and hot air from the studio will be piped directly into the building.

Some have called for the addition of solar panels to the roof, but since that technology doesn’t really work, and manufacturers are only kept afloat with government incentives, the issue was quietly dropped.

The most ambitious part of the project is the new “wish magnifier” being built at an undisclosed location on the site. “We’re really excited about this,” Carney said. “In order to cut down on security costs, we’re going to fill the magnifier with pure-hearted liberals. It will then increase the power of their dreams to create a sort of bubble around the structure to protect everyone inside from reality.”

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