Mike's momI’m torn about this whole celebrity hacking scandal.

On one hand, I’m a privacy loving lunatic who keeps all of his important records in handwritten notebooks so no hacker or NSA-bot can get them. On the other hand, goddamn Jennifer Lawrence is gorgeous, and the fact I got to see her naked almost convinces me of the presence of a kind and loving God, praise Allah.

People have blamed the hacker, Apple and even the celebrities, but the real culprit here is the fact that companies are allowed to pretend to delete your information while really storing it in vast databases to be mined and re-mined for useable data.

Think you just deleted your Facebook account? Think again. You just turned it off, and all of that data still exists somewhere.

Those pictures of Jennifer Lawrence didn’t just accidentally end up in the cloud. They, along with everything else, were deliberately transferred to hard drives to be stored like any other resource. These companies then sell it, use it to customize marketing and analyze it for both specific and meta-trends.

And don’t for a second think the government will help because they’re doing the same thing, only on a much larger scale. Much like the old Soviets would have a dossier on all of their subjects; the U.S. maintains a vast pool of data that can be accessed whenever the need arises.

And if the government can’t find anything incriminating in its warehouses, they then access the data stores of these big companies to see what they can dig up.

Aside from hackers deliberately accessing these data farms and sabotaging them with viruses, this trend is never going to end, so if you really need to take a nude selfie, I recommend you buy a Fuji Instax Mini 8, find a Polaroid on eBay or just draw yourself with a crayon like I did with my buddy Mike’s hot mom.