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Every day I walk this earth I thank God I don’t live in New York City. The last time I was there, I thought for sure two guys were planning to mug me, and I casually reached into my waistband where my gun should be. Unfortunately, I was neither strapped nor packed.

I had momentarily forgotten that only criminals can pack heat in NYC, and if you’re a law abiding citizen you better hope you’re in the donut district or there might not be a cop for blocks.

In my case, I was lucky. After I quickly downed my pocket flask for a last-second dose of courage, my mind cleared and I realized no one was there. I was still safely in the goo booth of the adult bookstore, and the muggers were just hallucinations brought on by being sober.

Unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky as me, and Mayor Bloomberg’s mission to control the entire population took another unexpected turn recently with the city’s “Latch on NYC” initiative. According to the Post, the City has asked hospitals to keep baby formula under lock and key like a drug so new mothers will be more inclined to breastfeed.

Hospitals are also being asked to remove free gifts from formula companies and to document a medical reason for every bottle of formula an infant receives.

I have kids, and I want the best for them, but this breastfeeding nonsense has gotten out of hand. When my son was born, these lactation fanatics basically tried to guilt-trip my wife into breastfeeding even though it wasn’t practical. One of them even claimed if you don’t breastfeed, you’re costing your kid at least five IQ points.

Have you ever been to the third world? They breastfeed all of their kids in those hellholes, and I don’t exactly see science and industry thriving there. I’m fairly certain parts of Africa might still in the Stone Age, and as far as I can tell, breast milk hasn’t done a damn thing about that.

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