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Bill Clinton was our last good president because he was someone you could do business with. He was a liberal, but he understood private enterprise wasn’t a necessary evil; it’s the wellspring from which prosperity flows.

He didn’t play politics at the expense of progress, could reach across the aisle, and even when he was lying to you, you couldn’t help but like him. You may not have wanted to leave your wife alone with him, but he still had a certain sleazy charm that could win your heart.

Fast forward twelve years, and what have we got. Two failed presidents and over a decade of unbroken stupidity and incompetence. We’re looking at possibly the most polarized electorate in eighty years, and I honestly can’t remember a time when supporters of both parties were so entrenched in their own beliefs that they were totally unwilling to compromise.

The irony is the two parties aren’t that different. The Republicans are like pimps. They want to put you on the street, have you earn money for daddy, and if you complain, you can expect a black eye. The Democrats are more like con-men. They’ll tell you a lie, prey on your emotions and desires, and when it’s over leave you just as broke.

That’s why I’m starting the Leave Me The Fuck Alone party. We’ll end all foreign military intervention and deficit spending. We’ll have a simplified tax structure and best of all, absolutely no stances on social issues. From abortion, to gay marriage to personal drug use, if it’s not an issue that directly hurts someone else, you’re free to do it.