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Newt Gingrich, seen here tormenting the elderly, made a bold decision after losing the Florida Primary. If he was ever going to become president, he needed divine assistance. That’s right, he needed to sell his soul to Satan.

However, in a surprising move, Satan rejected the offer, and politely but firmly told Newt that he will never, in a million human lifetimes, change his mind.

As a long-time friend, I was able to speak with Satan directly, and his reasons for giving Newt the brush-off were surprising. Satan said, “If he was truly evil, I’d be all over that soul in a minute. After all, I just had lunch with Hitler, Genghis Khan and Joe Paterno. But the problem with Newt is that he is just half-assed evil.”

When I mentioned that Newt abandoned one wife with cancer and another one with multiple sclerosis, Satan shook his head disapprovingly. “That’s exactly what’s wrong with the guy. He’s a scheming, spoiled child, and no one can stand the little prick. Now if he had split their heads open with an axe, that’s something I could have worked with.”

At the end of the day, it’s hard to argue with Satan’s logic. Newt Gingrich sucks, and even the minions of hell don’t want him around.