flag Much like the female orgasm or rumored Betty White sex tape, I’ve never actually seen New Zealand, but I’d like to believe it exists.

Virtually everything I know about the mystical realm I learned from the Lord of the Rings movies, and since my alcoholism seamlessly blends my thoughts, hallucinations and actual experiences into memories, I’m not really sure what’s real and what isn’t.

I imagine it to be a land of magic and mystery. Soaring peaks and bubbling volcanoes tower over savage orcs, noble elves, greedy dwarves and. . . ferns?

Is that even a goddamned fern? Well, whatever it is, the country decided it’s old flag looked too much like Australia’s, and they finalized four possible new designs with this stupid clip-art silver fern featuring prominently on three of them.

The other one seems pretty good since I can only imagine that it’s a symbolic representation of all the time and money wasted on this silly vanity project being flushed down a toilet.

Is it that hard to draw a Kiwi because I feel like that should be on the new flag somewhere? I just made this flag in two minutes and it’s far better than anything reviewed by this stupid panel. If you guys want it, feel free to use it.

new flag