, ,

2012 is almost here, and although I was made in God’s own image, I realize there’s always room for improvement. New Year’s is a great time to focus on yourself, what you’ve done wrong, and what you can do better. Here are my resolutions for 2012.

Be More Racist – The media, everyday people, that Indian convenience store clerk I always call Haji, are constantly on their guard for any perceived signs of racism. No matter what you say or do, someone is going to call you a racist for it. The problem is there isn’t any overt racism anymore, so people are clutching at straws. I plan to change that, and here’s hoping that 2012 is our most racist year ever.

Be Creepier – Sure, I’m creepy, but am I as creepy as I can be? I’ve thought long and hard about it, and the answer is a resounding no. I have tons of untapped perv potential that’s just sitting there. Next year I plan to drill deep into those reservoirs and let the sweet, sticky fluid geyser out onto everyone I meet.

Be A Better Dad – I’m just kidding. I plan to find new and innovative ways to torment those little bastards.

Start Smoking Again – I actually gave up smoking cigarettes a few years ago, and I really miss it. I smoked a pack-and-a-half a day since the time I was 17, and now that I’m married with kids, I feel uneasy about suicide, but the thought of a slow suicide gives me a lot of comfort. The firm knowledge that lung cancer or a stroke would both be competing to kill me doesn’t scare me one bit. It fills me with a sense of peace.