It seems like every year around this time fat women from Chino Hills to Caroline County make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, and nearly all of them fail.

Walk into any gym a week after the New Year, and it will be packed. Go back a few weeks later, and it’s noticeably less crowded. By March most people have stopped going altogether, and it’s not just that dieting and exercise suck. These people just aren’t properly motivated.

As a caveat, I don’t offer my services to men, only women. I neither support nor condone a society that judges men by their looks, and I will not tolerate the sexist fat bashing that plagues overweight males.

Women are another story, and I know that inside every disgusting fat lump of hog meat, there is a healthy human just waiting to be free, and that’s where I come in.

If you pay for my service, I will check up on you at random, and often inconvenient times. If you don’t look like you’re losing weight, I will then berate you and make little piggy noises until the mere thought of eating makes you ill.

And don’t worry that I’ll give up on you after a few weeks. As my ex-wives can attest, I neither respect nor understand established social boundaries, and no amount of restraining orders will make me stop.