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granny Absorption Pharmaceuticals has released a new over-the-counter spray called Promescent to prevent premature ejaculation. The product contains the anesthetic lidocaine, and it is designed to be sprayed directly on the penis to grant extra staying power.

Not to be outdone, Dr. Mike Wyllie, one of the scientists who invented Viagra also has a competing product, Tempe, that’s going to hit shelves next year. In studies this spray increased ejaculation times from 36 seconds to a whopping 3.8 minutes.

Are you guys even sure you want to change that? Like most married men I envy anyone who can get sex over with in under a minute.

And whatever happened to just using your imagination? I walked in on my grandma changing once twenty years ago, and I can’t tell you how many times that mental image has helped me out.

A small part of me does still wonder why she made eye contact and smiled, but that’s a mystery for another day.

If you’re afraid to spray medicine on your junk, you can also try chronic masturbation. If you do it right, the Internet will take you down a long, dark path that will forever prevent you from achieving sexual fulfillment in anything resembling a normal way.

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