All men are made from the same basic raw materials.  You may have a little extra testosterone here and there, but it’s the same blueprint.  That means most of us have shared experiences, and one of those is beating off into a sock.  If you’re a guy, you know you’ve done it, and if you deny it, you’re a filthy liar and are going to hell.

I told my wife this and that image must have stuck with her because every time she sees a sock out of place, it raises a red flag.  A few weeks ago, we were cleaning up for company, and I stuck a pair of socks in my desk drawer.  Later that night, she was looking for stamps and found them.  She screamed like she’d seen a spider and used the drum sticks I had also crammed in there to pick up the socks and throw them in my hamper.

Now, I just hide stray socks around the house.  What’s that in the utensil drawer?  Why it’s a sock.  And, unless I missed my guess, someone smeared Crisco all over you to give the illusion of use.  You better hope its Crisco.