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2222I was raised Catholic, but I grew disillusioned with the Church after the child molestation scandals. More than anything I felt betrayed and rejected. After all, I had been a loyal parishioner for most of 80s, and not once did a priest make a pass at me.

I’m not gay, and I would have politely rebuffed him, but what the hell. Kids were getting corn-holed left and right, and you mean to tell me you couldn’t even pay me a compliment. Would it have killed you to ask if I was working out? Politely inquired if you could smell my little altar boy gown after I was done with it. Is that too goddamned much to ask?

That’s all water under the bridge now, and I’ve found a new, cooler religion, but part of me will always follow the Catholic Church. Like many people I’ve kept up with the election of the new Pope, and while most people liked the choice, I was a little disappointed.

I understand the new Pope is humble, and loves Jesus, puppies and all that other nonsense, but I feel like the church missed a golden opportunity to pick a new type of man – A hard-drinking, chick-banging kung-fu throwing badass.

Most of the problems with the Catholic Church stem from the fact that you have to be a giant pussy to be a priest. Getting drunk and screwing hookers isn’t just frowned on; it’s expressly forbidden. That’s why you get so many pedophiles and nancy boys. All the real men are scared away by the B.S. job requirements.

Ideally, a pope should be one part St. Peter and one part St. Peter North. You have to have sinned greatly to repent greatly, and nothing gets those penitential juices flowing quite like a six-day bender that ends up in jail. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jesus. That dude was always surrounded prostitutes and was literally made of wine.