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In order to ensure everyone has a chance at heaven, even those born before Jesus or those who chose a less insane religion, Mormons perform what’s called a “posthumous proxy baptism.” Mormons believe dead souls that were never baptized in their cult are kept in a sort of limbo, and by baptizing them they’re being given the opportunity to accept eternal salvation.

For the baptism a proxy Mormon will stand in the temple while a dead person’s name is read. The proxy will then get dunked underwater and with a flick of a magic wand, poof, the dead person, or sometimes a whole group of people, will be posthumously baptized.

I think this custom is retarded, but if a bunch of Mormons want to waste their day baptizing dead people, I’m fine with it. It’s not like it makes any difference. I seriously doubt your happiness in the afterlife is incumbent upon some dipshit getting into a tub of water while someone else reads gibberish.

The Jews on the other hand aren’t quite as forgiving. They’ve repeatedly complained about Mormons baptizing dead holocaust victims, and the Mormons agreed to halt the practice back in 1995. Unfortunately, it looks like they’re still doing it. A proxy baptism was held for Daniel Pearl, a Jewish journalist killed by terrorists in Pakistan in 2002, and another one was conducted for the parents of holocaust survivor and Jewish rights advocate, Simon Wiesenthal.

Mormons are only supposed to proxy baptize their own relatives, back to four generations, and they’ve supposedly instituted new controls to exclude dead Jews. Even if by some miracle the Mormons are right about this baptism thing, would anyone other than a Mormon even want to go to Mormon heaven? I spent three days in Salt Lake City and I almost blew my brains out. The idea of spending an eternity there sounds like a damned nightmare.

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