bieber beach Jesus Christ, I don’t want to sound like some alarmist tolling a bell and screaming the end is nigh, but ding, ding, ding –the goddamned end is nigh.

According to the International Spa Association, nearly a third of spa customers are men, and don’t make the mistake I made and assume those men are going to massage parlors for a rub and tug.

Nope, these prissy little pansies are going in for treatments like mud baths and tea cleanses so they can be as pretty as their dates.

I’m not sure what happened to most men. Maybe the plastics we use are pumping us full of estrogen-like compounds and causing us to become women. Maybe a gay wizard cast a spell of effeminacy on the nation. I’m not a doctor so I don’t know for sure, but I know one thing, something has happened to our once great gender, and no good can come from this.

Fifty years ago, if you wanted a nice rosy glow you drank a few shots and then hit the heavy bag. Now you’re supposed to get a chemical peel followed by an algae bath.

There is never any reason for a man to spend more than five minutes getting ready, and that includes time to brush your teeth, comb your hair and maybe even squeeze in a quick ass wash if necessary.

If you’re not good looking enough for the hottest chicks, don’t go to some stupid spa.  Just keep lowering your standards until you find the women you can bang with the least amount of effort.

Before I got married, I decided grannies were my best bet, and it was a great choice.

For one, they don’t have a lot of other options, and they’re willing to do some pretty weird shit. You want to reenact that episode where Opie and Aunt Bea make a pie together? I did, and I mean that literally. We baked a pie and then I banged a 59-year-old woman, and I got her to call me Opie the whole time we were doing it.  That was a good day.