fat_woman_on_scooter_31238072543 First off, the capital of the United States should be transferred from Washington, D.C. to Laredo, Texas so politicians would have to actually confront the mess they’ve made instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.

And while we’re reforming the system, we should use it as a golden opportunity to get this country back on its feet.

As someone who works in construction, I can tell you Mexicans are hard workers, and you can’t go to any jobsite where they’re not swinging hammers, laying block and doing a lot of the dirty work.

I’ve got no problem with importing more workers, but we need to manage the flow, and we can’t just let in a ton of children and old people who are going to swell our already bloated welfare rolls.

We currently have a staggering 14 million people on disability, and a significant number of these are sham claims by able-bodied people too lazy to work. I propose we let potential immigrants challenge any of these free-loaders to a series of challenges, and if they win they become citizens and the loser gets deported.

I foresee a series of mental and physical contests that will measure who has more to offer as an American. And as an added bonus, we could set up a cable station to televise some of the more interesting matches, and I predict it would be one of the most watched stations in the world.

And don’t even pretend like you wouldn’t watch some fat load on a rascal scooter trying to navigate an obstacle course against a five-foot Mexican in cowboy boots because you know goddamn well you do.