After two decades of trying to force the world’s shittiest web browser down the throats of its unwilling users, Microsoft finally came to its senses and put one behind the ear of Internet Explorer.
 
Unfortunately, the taint of suck that surrounded IE was so strong that most sane people refused to even try its replacement, Microsoft Edge. 
 
Much like me, I can only imagine they were gripped by the fear that Edge would unexpectedly appear behind them in their home or office.  It would slowly walk forward, dragging its one gimpy leg, before launching itself forward with unbelievable speed.  It would then wrap its powerful hands around their throats while attempting to rape them behind their desk or cubicle.
 
Thankfully, those fears are mostly unfounded, and Microsoft Edge wins for no other reason than it will delete my goddamned search history on exit. 
 
For some unknown reason Chrome refuses to afford me even the façade of privacy, and I refuse to enter incognito mode because that would mean admitting I’m just a middle-aged pervert, and not a normal man doing completely normal things.
 
Look, I’m not naïve, and I understand that every depraved and disgusting Internet search I’ve ever made is stored in an NSA dossier in one of their data centers.  I also understand that Google and Amazon have built a customer profile of me that’s so frighteningly accurate, its algorithms know me better than any real person on earth,
 
I just want the security of knowing if I search for “pregnant tranny midgets,” that little cry for help will just be between me and shadowy government and corporate figures.  My kids will never see it, and unless my wife hires a data retrieval expert as part of our eventual divorce, she too will remain blissfully unaware.

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