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The multi-state Mega Millions jackpot is expected to hit half a billion dollars for today’s drawing, and my brother-in-law has a strategy to hit it. He has carefully analyzed all of the drawings for the past year, and he has spotted a pattern. He won’t elaborate, but since he’s also a moron, I didn’t really push for details.

If one person hits this jackpot, the cash payout is $359 million. After taxes in my area, you’d still take home over $200 million. Not a bad payday for a one-dollar wager. The only catch is the odds of winning are 176 million to one. For comparison, the odds of becoming president of the U.S. are only 10 million to one.

I’ve already explained to my wife if we win, I plan to put some aside for the kids, but we’re going to blow the rest on crazy shit. She actually recommended building a giant statue of George Washington and living in its head, and that’s exactly the kind of way I would want to spend that money.

According to Forbes, there are 1,226 billionaires in the world, and I’m amazed no one, except for George Soros, has become a super villain or done anything really crazy. What’s the point of having more money than you could possibly ever need if you’re not going to blow it?

If you have hundreds of millions of dollars, and you haven’t at least considered building a super laser to draw a giant dick on the moon, I’m afraid you and I will never be friends.