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You'll Never Take Me Alive, Bloomberg

If there’s one thing New York City Mayor Bloomberg hates more than guns and personal freedom, it’s fat people. I imagine they torment him in his very dreams; their Dorito-stained fingers pawing at him, trying to drown him in an endless sea of ranch dressing and Mountain Dew.

First he banned tans-fats in restaurant food, and then he banned food donations to homeless shelters because the city couldn’t assess their salt, fat and fiber content. I’m sure homeless people appreciated Bloomberg’s concern for their well-being, and when they’re not eating directly from trashcans or battling pigeons for pieces of bread, they always follow the food pyramid.

Now Bloomberg wants to limit the size of sugary drinks to 16 ounces because that’s what’s making us fat. It’s not the increasing ease of our modern lives. It’s those extra 50 calories between a 20 ounce soda and a 16 ounce soda.

Why don’t you just cut to the chase Bloomberg and do what you’ve planned all along. You want to construct dozens of internment-style fat camps where you can send everyone who weighs more than you think is appropriate.

I’m sure your jack-booted trainers will whip them into shape in no time, and you’ll finally be able to sleep peacefully knowing those bad fat people can’t hurt you anymore.