Cole A few weeks ago Sean Cole decided to take a little swim in the Mary River about a hundred miles from Darwin, Australia. The area is known to have the highest concentration of saltwater crocs in the world, and predictably, Sean was eaten.

It almost seems fitting this happened near Darwin Australia considering it’s both a candidate for the Darwin Awards and a textbook example of survival of the fittest by the means of natural selection.

All I know about Australia I learned from the nature documentary Crocodile Dundee, and if it taught me anything, you never, ever go near the water in Australia. Huge prehistoric monsters live in it, and even something as simple as washing your hands can get you killed.

Plus, if you’ve ever seen wildebeests, gazelles or some other herbivores try to cross a river, they don’t do it one at a time because crocodiles would pick them off one-by-one. And we humans don’t even have to do that because we have boat technology.

We also have gun technology, so why are these goddamned things still alive in the first place?

When I saw a copperhead go down a hole in my back yard, I didn’t just leave it alone. I rented a $1,500 back-hoe, dug up a huge crater  and eventually found it and destroyed it.

Sure I knocked out cable to half the neighborhood when I accidentally hit the cable line, and I may have also clipped my shed with the bucket as I was learning to use the thing, but I got that goddamned snake, and that’s all that mattered.