peach I’m a big boy. I go to the potty all by myself, and I can even get my own breakfast ready without mommy’s help.

Like every other morning, I got up today before sunrise so I could have a few blissful hours of silence before my awful kids woke up and ruined it. I had a great meal of chicken and waffles, and since we didn’t have any peaches and cream for dessert, I decided to eat one of my wife’s Chobani peach yogurts.

There was only one problem. It was terrible. The peaches were fine, but the yogurt part tasted like drywall mud mixed with paste.

It turns out we accidentally bought Chobani’s new “Simply 100” peach yogurt. This is a low calorie version of their normal tasty yogurt, and instead of just using sugar, it’s sweetened with monk fruit, stevia leaf extract and sugar.

What the fuck is a monk fruit again?

A normal container of peach yogurt has 120 calories, so they ruined the taste with this new concoction to save 20 measly calories.

Here are a few ways to burn twenty calories:

Run 80 seconds on a treadmill at 6 mph
Row 72 seconds on a rowing machine
Have sex (twice)

If you are purposefully buying a low-calorie version of your favorite food to save 20 calories, you are an idiot. Either get your fat ass into the gym and exercise, or just say the hell with it and eat what you want.