I don’t have a vagina so I never read The Da Vinci Code, but I do have a degree in history, and according to The Daily Mail, researchers found a manuscript in the British Library that’s at least 1,450 years old and indicates Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had two kids.

Unfortunately, one of the guys who “discovered” this document is Simcha Jacobovici, a charlatan who makes his living debunking the New Testament.

In a logical contortion actually worthy of Christianity, Simcha decided two people mentioned in the document, Joseph and Aseneth, were actually Jesus and Mary Magdelene and they were married and popped out a couple of kids.

While I understand that Simcha is a Jewish chauvinist who is desperate to prove his stupid religion is better than my stupid religion,  I really do wish someone would find some actual proof that Jesus was married because it makes him seem a lot less creepy and weird.

I don’t know about you, but if you told me twelve unmarried dudes were going to follow a charismatic leader into the desert to figure things out, I’d tell you there’s a better than average chance they’re actually just running a giant train on each other.

Or maybe they called it a camel caravan back then, I don’t know for sure, but I do know if the leader was a married man with kids that cuts the chance of rampant sodomy by at least 60 percent, which is a pretty healthy reduction.

And why do we want church leaders to be unmarried and supposedly pure? That just attracts freaks.

The whole celibacy thing has failed miserably for the Catholic Church, and I think a wine-drinking, chick-banging Messiah is preferable to a cassock-wearing pedophile who likes to diddle kids.

Since most of the Bible is made up anyway, let’s just tack a chapter in there about how Jesus was completely normal, and not anything like your creepy, middle-aged uncle who never got hitched and always dresses up as Santa just to get kids to sit in his lap.

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