african queen bikini I’m not 100% sure what a life hack is, but they seem to mostly be stupid suggestions like eat your apple from the top down so you can ingest all the dirt, pesticides and other random shit that accumulates in the big divot by the stem.

Luckily, my gentle suggestions are not moronic, and here are a few simple tips to help you through your miserable life.

#1 You need a handicapped parking permit because they’re awesome. It’s like a free ticket that gets you to the front of the line in every single parking lot, and it’s even more enjoyable when you get one without being a dirty cripple. Not sure how to obtain one under false pretenses? Go to hack #2.

#2 Every single foreign person is corrupt so use that to your advantage. I may not be able to hold a normal conversation with my Kazakh-born doctor, but when I hand him an empty pill bottle or disability certification form with a hundred dollar bill taped to it, he gets the point.

#3 Never eat or drink from anything in a motel room. Are you sure someone didn’t play two girls one coffee cup with that mug? At minimum someone has probably pissed in the coffee maker in the last year, and the maid running her filthy rag over it while cleaning isn’t going to kill those germs.

#4 The Elf On The Shelf Should Be Tortured And Murdered. This isn’t a life hack so much as a rant, but I don’t need some dead-eyed prick documenting my misdeeds for future punishment. The cops of the Fredericksburg PD already do a fine job of that.

And if your kids are stupid enough to tolerate that little narc’s presence without putting him in the microwave like mine did, they’re too stupid for presents and should get coal.