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crycryLast Wednesday night at approximately 9:00 pm the liberal media was savagely beaten and robbed by a group of youths near a trendy Westside restaurant where it had recently eaten dinner.

According to police, the liberal media is normally very good at avoiding high crime areas, and even though it publicly advocates diversity, in its off-time it is very careful to live and socialize in safely affluent areas.

It kept to that plan last week before the assault, and while driving to dinner even took a half-mile detour to avoid the small groups of minorities who often wait to cross the street in front of the Freeside Market.

After enjoying its meal of wild caught salmon, organic greens and a to-die-for crème brûlé, the liberal media left the establishment and proceeded to walk one-and-a-half blocks to its 2012 Range Rover Evoque.

As it approached its vehicle, the liberal media saw a group of young men standing nearby, and it briefly considered going back to the restaurant to wait for a bit but instead decided to look firmly at the ground and walk as quickly as possible to the driver’s side door.

“This is nothing but society’s ingrained racism making me think this way,” it thought to itself. “And even if there was a problem, I’m sure they’ve seen my three pro-Obama bumper stickers and know I’m cool.”

The liberal media is currently recovering at Cedar Point hospital, and once feeling returns to its hands, it plans to produce a series of articles blaming the assault on Republicans.

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