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Most people think the Whig Party disappeared in the mid-1850s, but that’s just liberal media propaganda. The truth is the Reformed Whig Party is still going strong, and although no Whig has occupied the top office since the great Millard Fillmore, we’re still committed to this great country and the American dream.

Here’s just a glimpse of our platform:

The Conquest Of Canada – America invaded Canada in 1775 and again during the War of 1812. Both times our nation suffered humiliating defeats and the Reformed Whig Party is the only party committed to righting those past wrongs. If a Reformed Whig is elected president, we will not only invade Canada but enslave her population and force every man, woman and child to work on our new maple syrup plantations.

Treat Immigrants As A Resource – We feel immigrants should be relentlessly mined and harvested until they are completely exhausted. Our policy harkens back to the good old days when if an Irishman died building the railroad you just left him there and let the buzzards sort it out.

The Name Keith Will Be Prohibited – Any man named Keith will have 24 hours to select a new name or one will be selected randomly for him. All black names that have the name Keith in them, like Lakeitha or Keithwan, will be unaffected.

Slavery – In addition to Canadians, all liberals, regardless of race or gender, can be captured and enslaved. This will actually be good for them and will show them what real suffering is all about. And believe you me; I will not be a kind master.

Drug Legalization – All drugs will be legalized and money that was formerly wasted on Medicare will be used to subsidize them. Would you rather take a handful of pills to reduce your cholesterol and blood pressure or just smoke a joint and forget about your problems? Exactly.