Lil’ Roofer Playset – If you’re like me, years of deferred maintenance have left your roof a wreck, and missing shingles and damaged flashing stick out like a sore thumb. That’s where your kid comes in. Instead of buying some fake plastic tools with “life-like sounds,” get him a bundle of shingles and actual tools that make actual sounds.
As an added bonus, your kid can work on his math and motor skills as he tries to avoid falling off your two-story house as he cuts the product to length and nails it in place.
Mommy’s Clothes – I’m no psychic, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that your wife has put on a few pounds since you got married. And instead of throwing away all of her old clothes, she keeps them in various tubs, totes and bags in the mistaken belief that her fairy godmother will one day use her magic wand to poof her fat ass back into them.
Since that’s never, ever going to happen, feel free to use that stash as your personal shopping center for outfits for your daughters and/or mistress.
Stuff From Grandma’s House – Ever since you moved out your poor mom has tried to cover that gnawing emptiness by buying knickknacks and trinkets in a feeble attempt to fill her home with something.
Let her pain be your gain and grandma’s is a great place to pick up stocking stuffers and other piddly shit.
Daddy’s Favorite Bartender – There’s nothing sadder than a middle-aged man sitting in his basement drinking alone, so feel free to bring your kids in on the fun. Give them the key to your liquor cabinet and a cocktail recipe card and slowly drift into oblivion as they mix up horrible drinks like the Rob Roy, Manhattan or Old Fashioned.
And unlike those kill-joys at J. Brian’s Taproom, hopefully your kids won’t call the cops after you “allegedly” pee on the floor. It’s your house, and you can go anywhere you want.