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Kwanzaa begins on December 26, and if you’re like me, you probably haven’t even started your Kwanzaa shopping. First off, don’t panic. You still have two full weeks, and that’s plenty of time to get a gift for everyone on your Kwanzaa shopping list.

For that man in your life, consider a Malt Liquor of the Month membership. Every four weeks he will get a 40 of one of America’s finest high alcohol beers. As an added bonus, every bottle of Steel Reserve High Gravity comes with a free ski mask to hide his identity during the armed robberies which inevitably result after drinking it.

No kid wants educational toys, and that goes double when Kwanzaa shopping. Get those little ones something they can use, like a carton of cool, refreshing menthol cigarettes. They won’t stunt their growth like those other cigarettes, and with all those additives, you know they’re healthy.

At some point in our life, everyone has forgotten to get a guest, relative or visiting parole officer a Kwanzaa present. Lucky for you, that doesn’t ever need to be a problem again. Just buy a few extra Tyler Perry movies and keep them on hand for emergencies. After the holidays you can add any you didn’t use to your collection.

Last but not least, don’t forget about yourself. It’s been a hard couple hundred years, and nothing helps a heavy heart like some soul-food cooking. Chances are there’s a KFC in your neighborhood. Go over there and get yourself the big bucket. After all, you’re worth it.