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Wei Guangbiao, lead scientist at The Institute of Three Gorges Paleoanthropology, says prehistoric giant panda fossils, recently unearthed in excavations in the city of Chongqing, show unmistakable marks from human tools. The conclusion? Ancient Chinese people used to eat pandas.

I have been saying for years I want to try panda meat, but for some reason it’s illegal. In China, you can get seven years in prison for killing a panda, and the penalties in the U.S. are even higher because you basically have to break into a zoo to get one.

People speculate that panda meat is terrible because of their bamboo diet, but that makes no sense. Cows eat mostly grass, and they taste great. Raccoons are also surprisingly tasty, and they seem to eat mostly garbage and other raccoons.

Pandas are notoriously hard to raise in captivity, and just a few months ago, the baby panda born in D.C. died after a week. It’s clear something needs to be done, and I have a solution.

Instead of entrusting the bumbling hippies at the zoo with this valuable and possibly mouth-watering resource, we should turn over all of our remaining pandas to professional cattle breeders.

I imagine they’ll be able to use their know-how and advanced breeding techniques to jumpstart panda reproduction. With any luck, we might even have table-ready panda meat available in less than five years.

Godspeed, men. Godspeed.

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